Humour

Alerts to threats in Europe 2011: by John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”

The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher
levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.

It’s not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert,

The Italians have increased their alert level from “shout loudly and excitedly” to “elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain, “ineffective combat operations” and “change sides”.

The Germans also increased their alert state from “disdainful arrogance” to “dress in uniform and sing marching songs”. They have two higher levels, “invade a neighbour” and “lose”.

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from “isolationism” to “find somewhere else in the middle east ripe for regime change”. Their remaining higher alert states are “take on the world” and “ask the British for help”.

Finally here in GB we’ve gone from “pretend nothing’s happening” to “make another cup of tea”. Our higher levels are “remain resolutely cheerful” and “win”.

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career.   On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon completed years of service), that he would receive in addition to his monthly pension.   

The letter read,

“Dear Lt. Colonel Maclaren,

We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lt Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366 (This was an innocent typographical mistake). Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as £68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.

Yours sincerely
Army Paymaster”

Colonel Maclaren replied;

“Dear Paymaster,

Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month.
I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be £68, 500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III.
By my calculation, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.

Yours sincerely,
Robert Maclaren (Lt Col Retd)”

A month passed by and then in early April, a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence in Edinburgh dropped through Col. Maclaren’s letter box, it read:

“Dear Lt Colonel Maclaren,

We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March inst. We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month.

We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed £6,427, 586, 619. 47p.

However, we also note that according to our records you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles;
The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485 (Including the battles of Bosworth Field, Barnet and Towton) The Civil War 1642 -1651 (Including the battles Edge Hill, Naseby and the conquest of Ireland) The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815 (including the battle of Waterloo and the Peninsular War) The Crimean War (1853 – 1856) (including the battle of Sevastopol and the Charge of the Light Brigade) The Boer War (1899 -1902)  World War One (1914-1918).

We would therefore wish to know what happened to the following, which do not appear to have been returned to Stores by you on completion of operations:

9,765 Cannons
26,785 Swords
12,889 Pikes
127,345 Rifles (with bayonets)
28,987 horses (fully kitted)
Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.

We have calculated the total cost of these items and they amount to £6,427,518.119.47p. We have therefore subtracted this sum from your lump sum, leaving a residual amount of £68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course.

Yours sincerely . . . .”

***

IF THE SACRED BONDS OF MARRIAGE ARE NOT SEEN AS A FIT SUBJECT ABOUT WHICH TO GIGGLE, WHAT DO THE GROVES OF ACADEME HOLD FOR A WOULD-BE LAUGH-ER WHO IS SHORT ON A SENSE OF HUMOUR:

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A question in a chemistry exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

Epitaph on the tomb of William Harting, died 1842

REMEMBER ME

Remember me as you pass by

As you are now so once was I

As I am now

You will be

So be prepared to follow me

On which a wag wrote:

Sir, to follow thee is my intent

But you left no word which way you went.

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner.

The final question was: ‘How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.’

Here is his answer:

“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

***

***

IS THE GRANNY STATE FAIR GAME FOR HUMOUR?

Not all developments in language are progress. A car past its sell-by date would be written off as ‘A clapped-out banger!’ rather than ‘A heap of second hand and antiquated ironmongery that is incapable of self-propulsion!’. In France, it is illegal to call a cleaner by that name. What is gained in humanity may be lost by having to walk on eggshells all the time even if it is no doubt commendable to re-designate a ‘cleaner’ as a ‘Surface Technician’.

How would Admiral Lord Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations?

  “Order the signal, Hardy.”
  “Aye, aye sir.”
  “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the
meaning of this?”
  “Sorry sir?”
  “England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is
this?”
  “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer
now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it
be considered racist.”
  “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
  “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments.”
  “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to
steel the men before battle.”
  “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s
policy on binge drinking.”
  “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it then. Full
speed ahead.”
  “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of
water.”
  “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
  “That won’t be possible, sir.”
  “What?”
  “Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they said the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
  “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
  “He’s busy constructing a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.”
  “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
  “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.”
“Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
  “Actually, sir, you did. The Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
  “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
  “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew
up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing
in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”
  “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to
stand by to engage the enemy.”
  “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
  “What? This is mutiny.”
  “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
  “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spaniards?”
  “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
  “We’re not?”
  “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
  “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
  “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary charge.”
  “But you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”
  “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules.”
  “Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy   And the lash?”
  “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
  “What about sodomy?”
  “I believe it’s to be encouraged, sir.”
  “In that case …kiss me, Hardy.”

***

To: Rt Hon David Milliband MP Secretary of State, DEFRA

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I now want to join the “not rearing pigs” business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agriculture Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. Then I can afford to buy an airplane.

Another point is that these pigs I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I didn’t rear? I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the Government information on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will qualify for unemployment benefits.

Also as I entered the UK illegally a few years ago, but know how generous the government is in liberally paying benefits to all immigrants (whether legal or not), so I’m sure you can also include housing benefit and exemption from council tax.

I shall of course vote for you at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Nelson M’bote (Farmer)

***

Paraprosdokians

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you …but it’s still on my List.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in Public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge, is knowing a Tomato is a Fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a Fruit Salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is Plagiarism. To steal from many is Research.

9. I didn’t say it was your Fault, I said I was blaming You.

10. In filling out an Application, where it says, “In case of an Emergency, notify” .
I answered ” A Doctor”

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a Bald Head and a Beer Gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a Parachute to Skydive. You only need a Parachute to Skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the Target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the Target.

15. Going to Church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a Garage makes you a Car.

16. You’re never too old to learn something Stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my Elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for Me to find someone older than Me.

18. Better to remain silent and appear a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.

***

***

Celebrated Epigrams

Told by an emissary of Darius the Great, King of Kings, that the Spartan army arrayed against his invading Persians would face so many arrows that “They will blot out the sun!” the response was “All the better! We shall fight in the shade!”

According to Socrates (an unverified attribution) ‘By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher!’

The agitator John Wilkes when apostrophized: “Sir, you will die of a pox (venereal disease) or on the gallows!” responded: “Sir! that depends on whether I embrace your mistress or your principles!”

“Mr Churchill! You are drunk!” “Yes…” replied the great man “And you are ugly. And tomorrow I will be sober!”

There are of course no end of examples in anthologies and elsewhere:

 —-

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress…  But I repeat myself.
     …….Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
     …….Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
     …….George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
     …….G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
     ……James Bovard

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
     …Douglas Casey

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
     …….P.J O’Rourke

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
     …….Frederic Bastiat (1801-1850)

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:  If it moves, tax it.  If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
     ……Ronald Reagan

I don’t make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the facts.
      ……Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free.
      ……P.J. O’Rourke

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
      ……Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you.
      ……Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
      ……Mark Twain

Talk is cheap … except when Congress does it.
      ……Unknown

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
      ……Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.  The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
      ……Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
      …..Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of
      folly is to fill the world with fools.
      …..Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly native American criminal class…save Congress.
      …..Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
      …..Edward Langley

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
      …..Thomas Jefferson

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself: “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
….Lillian Carter (mother of {President Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” ….Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
…..Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
…..George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
…..Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
…..Mark Twain

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
…..Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe.
…..Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
…..Zsa Zsa Gabor

I’m a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced, I kept the houses.
…..Zsa Zsa Gabor

He is so unlucky he got run over by an ambulance
…..St John Irvine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
…..Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
…..Spike Milligan

I can’t hear too much Wagner! Every time I hear Wagner I want to go out and conquer Poland !
…..Woody Allen

I am opposed to millionaires… but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
…..Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
…..Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
……Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
…..Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
…..Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
…..Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
…..Billy Crystal

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
….Ambrose Bierce

 “How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
….. Emo Philips

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
…. Al McGuire

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
….Einstein                                                                                                                    

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home
and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”
….Ann Landers

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control and abortion
are already born?”
….Benny Hill

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has
never tried to contact us.”
…. Bill Watterson

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”
….Caroline Rhea

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
….George Burns

***

And finally, a humourist from the East:

“Too many birthdays is a major cause of death”
….Yogi Berra

NB The sage Sadguru can be very amusing.

***

Amusing one-liners anonymously left at different venues

Many bon mots reach public attention if coined by someone famous but why should it matter from the standpoint of inherent humour who thought them up?

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly women
Men’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Georgetown University, Washington, DC

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s Hi, how are you?”
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men’s Room Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war.. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women’s restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?  Congress!
Men’s restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ

You’re too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills,CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom,
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills,CA

If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist’s door
“To expedite your visit please back in.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..”

Pizza Shop Slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the
right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station,
“Thank heaven for little grills.”

Sign in a French Cinema:
Please remember to switch your mobiles on when leaving the cinema

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man!

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar!

Doctor’s office, Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases!

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
Drop your trousers here for the best results!

In a Nairobi restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager!

On an Athi River highway:
This is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi. Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable!

On a poster at Kencom:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help!

In a City restaurant:
Open seven days a week and weekends!

A sign seen on an automatic rest room hand dryer:
Do not activate with wet hands!

In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves!

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed!

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for!

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts!

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the Chambermaid!

Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid!

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel overlooking a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday!

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose!

Hotel, Zurich:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose!

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass!?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life!

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today – no ice-cream!

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions!

Many bon mots reach public attention if coined by someone famous but why should it matter from the standpoint of inherent humour who thought them up?

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly women
Men’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Georgetown University, Washington, DC

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s Hi, how are you?”
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men’s Room Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war.. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women’s restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?  Congress!
Men’s restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ

You’re too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills,CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom,
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills,CA

If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist’s door
“To expedite your visit please back in.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..”

Pizza Shop Slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the
right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station,
“Thank heaven for little grills.”

Sign in a French Cinema:
Please remember to switch your mobiles on when leaving the cinema

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man!

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar!

Doctor’s office, Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases!

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
Drop your trousers here for the best results!

In a Nairobi restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager!

On an Athi River highway:
This is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi. Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable!

On a poster at Kencom:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help!

In a City restaurant:
Open seven days a week and weekends!

A sign seen on an automatic rest room hand dryer:
Do not activate with wet hands!

In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves!

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed!

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for!

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts!

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the Chambermaid!

Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid!

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel overlooking a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday!

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose!

Hotel, Zurich:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose!

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass!?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life!

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today – no ice-cream!

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions!