Interaction between Science and Philosophy

Do you see no mystery, no romance,
no wondering what it is all about,
in science?

Does every probability
Exist or only what we see?
There’s mystery!

We and our fellow-creatures
Are made of the stuff of distant stars,
That’s romance.

– Wendy Shutler

The furthest reaches of the mysteries surrounding some of the deep questions of life may be beyond our ken to answer at present but science is peeling back some of the outlying shrouds.

Why take a cue from the behaviour-pattern that is said to typify the Ostridge? We should consider all the new evidence that comes to light. Light arguably is shed on aspects of our belief systems by scientific discoveries. If so, what is their possible significance?

There are several scientists or former scientists who take the view that spirituality and an understanding of th human condition can be based on scientific findings. References to some of these teachers are on the ‘Links’ page of this website under both ‘Spiritual Matters’ and ‘Science’ but what exactly is the science that propels us in this direction; how certain is it? Truth – be it of the nature of the world, or Nirvana, outer space, or numbers etc – is rarely understood by gazing at equations or considering entities such as quarks or neutrons. They can carry someone originating a theory part of the way but fuller realisation can come in a ‘Eureka’ moment. It is rare that a new Big Idea finds instant universal acceptance or acclaim but it behoves us to keep an open mind about some of the thinking that has been going on by people who know their science. Hypotheses based on evidence may fall short of proofs as needed in a court room or a laboratory but may be allowable pro tem even if the jury is still out. Not all scientific experimentation or the conclusions drawn from it stack up but earnest, expert experiments to try to tease out deep meanings deserve an open-minded hearing.

What do the findings, or some of the findings, tell us about the significance of our beliefs?

What exactly are the findings in modern science that may have these far-reaching effects on our perception of our place in the cosmos?

Below are some of the questions in this context:

In what way if any are we connected to everything around us?
Can there be communication perhaps at a distance ‘remotely’ between people and/or other entities? If so, by what means might it be conducted if not by language?
is there a fundamental animating spirit in our biological make-up? If so, what might this animating spirit be?
What kind of universe is it that we are in?
If man is not the architect of himself, does this imply that there is another ‘architect’? If so, what deductions about ‘it’ does rigorous conjecture lead?
We come from the stars; is our composition or consciousness different in kind from what is in the cosmos; if so why should this be the case?
Do the recent revelations about the workings of the human body including its sub-atomic parts have a relevance to what and who we are and, if so, what is it?
What do discoveries about the natural world have to tell us about ourselves?
What Is the connection between consciousness and quantum physics?
Can human biology be physically changed by human intention? If so, how?

The Brain of Einstein

Einstein’s brain was preserved after his death in 1955, but this fact was not revealed until 1978.

Read about Einstein’s Brain on Wikipedia

More on this Subject

Review: ‘Who Am I’ by Brian Mayne

Brian Mayne has written lucidly of his spiritual journey. His life style is testimony to the efficacy of his ideas, combining as he does his work on himself with a successful business career ‘Just a few ever wonder who they really are, even fewer seriously explore the topic, and only the rarest manages the direct experience of realizing the core self. Although becoming conscious of it is a rare attainment, this ‘core self’ is accessible to all and naturally part of what we each are as ...

Review: Allon Bacon – Out of my Hands

Bacon is discussing ‘a part of man’s total presence and energy which is on a finer or higher level than the merely physical .,,, There are energies, levels of communication, and forces at work both within and without, which are wondrous in the extreme. One of these forces is man’s capacity to self-heal.’ This is a man of an analytic mind, well-educated and coming from an affluent social mileau. He was training to be a doctor when struck down by life-threatening ill health. He allowed ...

Consciousness

One of the conundrums that nowadays particularly intrigues the reflecting world in that of consciousness. We all have it but what is it and what if anything is particular to the human race in possessing it? Is it likely that we alone have the key to understanding what is going on - - or perhaps the key is illusory?

Review: Dennis Bardens – Ahead of Time

Dennis Bardens was the least likely ghost chaser. He was a man with his wits about him, plugged right into the unforgiving present. He knew human nature in all its foibles. He had been a spy behind enemy lines during WW2; perhaps his ingrained suspicion of how people could behave went into the notice he hung on his front door in Horbury Mews, Kensington: ‘OUT TO LUNCH….BACK IN FIVE YEARS…PLEASE WAIT!’ His was a ready wit. He was a distinguished journalist and broadcaster – the initiator of ...

Two Confessions

I’m an ordinary bloke. So why do I think there might just be something in the ‘unseen world’ that might be ‘t/here’. When I was five years old, I told my Nanny that we did not know how long my parents would keep us at home so we might as well make preparations to leave. It wasn’t just a stray remark. It was a profound belief that persisted up till my twenties. As a teenager my wealthy parents visited me at boarding school and, without any antecedent conversation about the subject, made me ...

Humour

Some Meditation sects in the East kick-start sessions with a bout of belly-laughing to ginger participants into a happy mood and generally imbue their thinking with a sense of proportion.

Doubting Thomas

In secular terms Doubting Thomas may be more justified in his doubts than in scripture. Treat with caution many ideas of the new way of looking at the World.

The Baha’i Religion

There are plans for an Abrahamic Family House, a centre comprising a synagogue, a church and a mosque, that are being unveiled in New York, and being discussed in Abu Dhabi. The idea that the Abrahamic Faiths should co-exist peacefully as do the Hindu and Buddhist faiths where the respective temples can be placed side by side has recently received a fillip from a new religion today that seems to take more account of most of the above issues than most others. It is the Baha’i faith. If ...

Western vis-a-vis Eastern Meditation

There are many paths to enlightenment and many meanings of that word. You wish to Reflect? Stand tall on your right to do so! It is an allowable, rewarding way to spend time. You do not need to Meditate in the way that is a trend unless it speaks to you. There are teachers and traditions from the West to draw upon.

In a Session of Reflection

Why should ‘one size fit all’? What are you thinking when you reflect? Can your own thoughts be prescribed for you by anyone else? Are they the same as thoughts that anyone else may have in a similar context or are they more personal to you? This is a subjective voyage. One individual’s ideas during one sitting are here. Do you think in the same way?

Medicine

Who in the West sits up at the name of Ms Youyou Tu? Malaria is a killer epidemic with records in traditional Chinese medical literature dating from the Zhou Dynasty. Three thousand years ago Zhou Lia published his findings. Youyou Tu took from them what she found relevant for a cure in the twentieth century. And if ‘Prescriptions Worth a Thousand Pieces of Gold’ was published more recently in the Tang Dynasty of 618–907 A.D., Youyou Tu was not fussed A trove of ...

Democracy vis-à-vis other Political Systems

The spending bill is actually the creation of a national debt so massive that it has the means to destabilize a democracy dependent on a functioning economy. - Lawrence Kadish The above quotation arrests attention, as do thousands and thousands like it. Serious commentators commenting on serious issues - some doomsayers, some constructive analysts - are everywhere, urging on readers attention and, on policy makers, action. Which men of vision have it in them, or does fate intend, to be ...

Articles from The Institute of Reflection

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Review: ‘Who Am I’ by Brian Mayne

Brian Mayne has written lucidly of his spiritual journey. His life style is testimony to the efficacy of his ideas, combining as he does his work on himself with a successful business career

‘Just a few ever wonder who they really are, even fewer seriously explore the topic, and only the rarest manages the direct experience of realizing the core self. Although becoming conscious of it is a rare attainment, this ‘core self’ is accessible to all and naturally part of what we each are as human beings’.

‘Who Am I’ (A sequel to ‘Awake - Conscious Pilgrimage’} is the sharing of personal experience about the deeper mysteries of the deepest self in a form that is easy to read. The journey is as important as the arrival. He asks of himself who exactly he is. His answer in brief is that his primary self is Pure Awareness. It is not aware of anything except itself. This also means outside of time and space. In such a state we are all other dimensional. His approach is shot through with clear common sense though in places his ideas intersect with those of great mystics. His method is to ground assumptions carefully then build on them in logical steps.

Daily experience tells Mayne that he goes through three states:

Waking consciousness in which I am ‘the Waker’ (mind, senses and actions focus outwards)
Dreaming sleep in which I am ‘the Dreamer’ (mind focus inwards)
Deep dreamless sleep, when I am ‘the ‘Sleeper’ (mind does not function at all and I am not even aware of my physical body}

NB Some might demur at the proposition that the mind does not function ‘at all’ but the insight throws up intriguing questions, viz:

If I were my body-mind complex, my life would stop each time I enter deep sleep and start each time I dream or wake up. If so, who is it who remains during deep sleep?

Is it (like) pre-life, (this) deep dreamless state when unaware of the body?

Who am I if not the mind or body that I am witnessing? What was it that was there in the mind’s beginning to learn all that it knows?

This leads Mayne to posit:
‘After some period of contemplating it, we realize that it … must be objective because there is a witness to it… Who I am must be the subject ‘me’ rather than an object…I observe and feel my body, it is an object to my real identity, and I am as the observer and experiencer of it. Similarly, I witness my mind and its thoughts, so who I am cannot be my mind or my thoughts… I must be the innermost ‘me’, ‘me’ at source, rather than anything external which would therefore be separate from this ‘me’.

Awareness is another name for you. Who we are must be the unchanging reality behind the senses. Waking to this awareness is an actual direct experience of coming home to who we already are and have always been.

One’s primary identity is pure awareness rather than consciousness and unconsciousness associated with the human mental states of waking, dreaming and deep sleep.
Our intelligent awareness had to have already been present in the womb A body could only have been created by a pre-existing intelligence, or intelligent awareness…. Since you are awareness there is no need to attain or cultivate it.

This approach leads Mayne on to several further conclusions.

This awareness is timeless. Who we really are never was born and therefore never can die.

To discover who you are, all that you have to do is to give up being aware of other things. It is a conscious direct experience of one’s state outside of the mind which will bring this truth home.

Everything is within the sphere of pure awareness, but pure awareness is senior and cannot itself be witnessed by anything within it.

The subject/source for all objects and even for itself is my awareness, an intelligence alive to itself which can experience everything, but not itself be experienced by anything external to it.

NB A question arises of whether a human being is akin to the universe in a microcosm form. Mayne’s comment here is that ‘if we are microcosms of the universe. If pure awareness is reality and oneness, there is no universe - except in the realm of time and space. Pure awareness is outside of time and space. Manifested realms and beings, are more of a relative reality, and are at best extensions of the pure awareness - or some say consciousness. As you've noted: 'Everything is within the sphere of pure awareness.' In Hindu terms this is all Maya/illusion. What this means is that what we consider to be reality, the waking state of the mind, is not reality at all. When our physical forms came to this realm of time and space we were brainwashed into believing we are human beings in time and space, but we have never lost the awareness which is our reality and we can find it again if we truly wish to. This means that who we are was never born and being eternal can never die. Effectively this is what spirit is. However, it has always been a mistake to confuse spirit with the physical-mental self. ‘

All that is left is what then might be considered eternal unbounded space of pure awareness . . .without any separate subject, object or even thought. It is timeless and unchanging and it follows that it does not die.

If we close our eyes and step back from the senses and the mind, what we are left with is an alive space which is pure awareness alone. It is a shifting from outer attention and activity to that ‘space’ of inner still awareness which is a oneness without boundaries.

That awareness is with us in our waking activities but forgotten in the distractions of the mind and pull of the senses.

We are in a state of pure awareness in deep sleep but not conscious of it. When we awaken, there is an extremely brief transition from sleep to the mind and personality re-engaging, when we remember and re-establish who we are in our waking state. When we ‘catch’ that brief instant, which is awareness before the mind starts, it becomes a benchmark for us and, with practice, the duration of this state of just awareness can be extended for longer and longer periods.

This reality is characterised by great peace. It is experienced during deep dreamless sleep when awareness of the body and mind are absent . . . but a pure awareness of ‘nothingness’ remains present. Being cannot be experienced as an object, as a sensation, or mental state because it is non-dual. We can only BE it. It is always available if we drop all thinking, wanting or any form of mental activity for a moment and rest as IT.'

Ideas follow as to how to live one’s life in accordance with this understanding, for instance meditation that helps withdraw attention from thoughts and external inputs, perhaps becoming aware of a part of the body - a toe, say - and then step back to that which is the awareness.

One should be open to intuitive wisdom…. A first step is releasing long-cherished beliefs and convictions about who we identify ourselves as being’. This becomes easier when we realize what we intuitively knew and recognized about the already wholeness of our essential aware selves.

Self-realisation can come from a combination of sources, such as the right teacher/s, nature, life experiences, studies and/or even from inside oneself. This also requires the use of discrimination, discernment, and resonance to understand and intuitively recognize the truth of such teachings. Grace can come as well in forms that the mind may have thought of as being negative. Shocks to motivate us to new clarity and evolution. When our mind is open and the self is the base of our identity, the mind can be used without our losing oneself in being a temporal mind and body. Accordingly, we should avoid negative thoughts and cherish positive ones, avoid judging and harming others and cherish respect for all life.

When we identify with being a mind and body, we create a prison for ourselves in time and space. The mind creates its world through imagination. All fears and suffering are linked to time and space. (In doing that) We have forgotten our divine self, the space of intelligence and love, the pure ‘I am’ of our being.

Mayne experiences the problem that confronts many a spiritual teacher: that of writing about a world which the tool of language is inadequate to accurately depict. He has used his ability to think logically, and consider his persona calmly, to help uncover a subjective truth that is also an objective truth for us all. It is a message of hope but, above all, for common sense. It is not breathless enthusiasm or dogged adherence to any cult or Faith. We are entitled to use our minds to go as far as we can into an opaque world but which must be there for all of us, whether or not it can be ‘bottled in a test tube and refined in a laboratory’. If we desire to know why we are on this earth and to live life according to precepts that are attuned to our essential selves, Mayne’s text as a starting point is as good a place to begin as any.

Coda to Brian Mayne Review

Mayne elucidates: re 'if we are microcosms of the universe.' If pure awareness is reality and oneness, there is no universe - except in the realm of time and space. Pure awareness is outside of time and space. Manifested realms and beings, are more of a relative reality, and are at best extensions of the pure awareness - or some say consciousness. 'Everything is within the sphere of pure awareness.' In Hindu terms this is all Maya/illusion. What this means is that what we consider to be reality, the waking state of the mind, is not reality at all. When our physical forms came to this realm of time and space we were brainwashed into believing we are human beings in time and space, but we have never lost the awareness which is our reality and we can find it again if we truly wish to. This means that who we are was never born and being eternal can never die. Effectively this is what spirit is. However, it has always been a mistake to confuse spirit with the physical-mental self.

Buy "Who Am I" by Brian Mayne

Below is a review of the book in MENSA Magazine, December 2022

Review: Allon Bacon – Out of my Hands

This is a man of an analytic mind, well-educated and coming from an affluent social mileau. He was training to be a doctor when struck down by life-threatening ill health. He allowed himself to be guided by his inner voices in defiance of medical orthodoxy and by following their dictates was spared for a lifetime of devoted service to his fellow man. There can be little doubt of his fundamental integrity. He brings a trained eye and a sensitive facility for detail to his observations about what is going on in his mind and expends much thought on finding explanations. He is describing his ‘Guides’ helping send Healing to a patient:

‘Around him was a temple-like building apparently made of light. Table on which the patient was lying appeared to be made of a solid crystal-like substance resembling solid light. The colours about them were crystal blue and white.’

He was a much-sought after consultant to the stars of the thespian world. The after-death communing from the likes of Ivor Novello have the ring of truth. There is corroboration of his claims, witness statements and so forth. The stories of the healing of Joanna Syms and Nellie Quinlivan are cases in point.

Bacon’s descriptions of what is going on in his life, and in his sessions, throw light into how he got where he did and what he did when there. By the time one reads a passage as below it is clear that this is not the starry-eyed prating of a would-be self-illusionist.
Bacon knows the value of communing with oneself in solitude:

‘I learned to float my mind away from (tales of people who suffered from TB) I raised my mind up to link with the universal strength I sensed about me. I was, without realising it, reaching up to the Cosmic Energy of the Christ consciousness. I was reaching back into my soul memory in knowledge I had absorbed from previous lives. I was linking with the eternal me. I was switching myself from being hypnotized by the stark horror of my surroundings to the overall reality of Divine Strength.’

The book has much advice on how to live a contended, fulfilled life. He is sufficiently aware of the pitfalls and snares of this world as to rate a ‘happy-go-lucky’ element in one’s make-up a form of self-protection. He is aware of the healing power of laughter and gives illustrations for instance from the example of the star actress, Hermione Baddeley. He takes his dreams seriously and records them:

‘In my dream I was approaching a beautiful calm river winding below the green bank I was slowly descending. There, only a few yards below me, was a small boat tethered to the near bank. I knew it was my boat, waiting for me to use to cross the narrow river below me. In view on the far bank was a collection of men and women I longed to meet. Their robes were of pale bright colours and a soft yet brilliant light played about their tranquil selves. As I stepped down towards my boat a man’s hand was placed upon my shoulder. A deep but tender voice said to me: ‘Allon, you cannot go. There is work here for you to do.’ I tried to see the man who spoke thus but could only see his linen robe. It was as if his face was purposely hidden from me.’

The alternate ‘electric’ currents – of heat and cold – that flow from his hands, the smoky fug arising in some spiritual encounters, the descriptions of his spirit guides – one was a powerfully-built Red Indian brave, the colours and smells he experiences, his psychic abilities to sense auras, all of these make for an authentic tour d’horizon of the spiritual world. They enable Bacon to piece together into a system a description of how he sees the eternal world.

The following is a digest:

Each endless journey of experience of us has a separate identifiable and unique soul, We live many lives on many different levels of time. Each life we live seems to most of us the only life. Hints to some of us of before and after but we are so constructed that we can’t access our overall memory bank except in certain moments of instruction. Without this cut-out we would retain a jumbled mass of memory experience which would overbalance our emotional reactions as well as our built-in soul reaction. The law knows neither mercy nor pity. Perfect joy-giving is abundant and fulfilling. Whatever we think, it works thus, and is perfect. We go from rich to poor, men to women, peace to violence, We go from time level to time level, lives to teach us lessons. Our souls are gradually aspiring to higher knowledge as we advance to higher realms of existence. Our spiritual lives are the real existence. Some learn faster than others. Some nondescript lives are a rest. Religion has great truths and they are often in parable form as in ‘In my Father’s house are many mansions.’

In between our lives we meet with teachers, guides and guardian angels. In their inspiring and loving presence, we lick our wounds, recover from our absurdities, are thanked for our services and we study in the Halls of Learning. The Universal souls of Great Knowledge are constantly watching over us. The task is endless and mind-expanding in its vision. We learn to use our Cosmic Energy to aspire to greater and finer planes of existence. The human mind can only glimpse the glory and wonder of the System. The Cosmic Light transforms clay to spirit. We are, we were, and we will be. We have to be watchful of false visitors.

Bacon ends this account in a matter-of-fact way:

‘If on the other hand our guides are simply manifestations of images formed in our inner and over selves, where is the problem? All religions have their own God. All lead to the same knowledge, The Cosmos is there, only man interprets it differently. Time/Space is an illusion. Rockets will seem like the horse and cart. Religion and Science will finally link up. We will journey where we can only go at present by dying. Judgement Day when you are ready – in the centre of the table is a large globule of light you can see if you wish any moment of your past life or lives. Imagine the torment of the mass murderer. All experience is re-lived. The teachings of Jesus are revealed in all their value. The right background is chosen for us to go off on our new adventure.

Bacon’s conclusions come as a result of his experiences. We are given a guide throughout.

Allon Bacon – Out of My Hands, ISBN 0-85030-831-3, The Aquarian Press

Consciousness

A topic that is transfixing thinkers today is that of consciousness. We all have it but what is it?

There is a parallel here with 'reflection', an ability we all have to greater or lesser degree, often that we take for granted without stopping to reflect about it and it's value and how it may be better appreciated and even enhanced, quite aside from it's inherent fascination.

There are forums which are devoted to discussing consciousness, for instance:

L'Agora is a French organisation which has a website that inter alia is designed to discuss changes and mutations which are taking place in human consciousness in our time. One of its ideals is to help develop a divine being in the individual. The founder was a successful businessman who noted the improvements in his health when he took career steps in a direction that better fitted his personal goals.

Dr Antonio Damasio, a neuroscientist, is Professor of Psychology, Philosophy, and Neurology at the University of Southern California. He communicates his concepts about the problem of consciousness in a succinct manner. He is one among many thinkers exploring this topic, some cited below.

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Review: Dennis Bardens – Ahead of Time

Dennis Bardens was the least likely ghost chaser. He was a man with his wits about him, plugged right into the unforgiving present. He knew human nature in all its foibles. He had been a spy behind enemy lines during WW2; perhaps his ingrained suspicion of how people could behave went into the notice he hung on his front door in Horbury Mews, Kensington: ‘OUT TO LUNCH….BACK IN FIVE YEARS…PLEASE WAIT!’ His was a ready wit. He was a distinguished journalist and broadcaster – the initiator of the TV household name ‘Panorama’ which came to him while looking put of the office window. Bardens had some 20 books to his name including ‘Churchill in Parliament’. A meticulous taker of notes, adept at ferreting out facts behind stories, Bardens wanted to get to the bottom of things, and so in many ways it should be to his sort of evidence one turns to see if there is sufficient factual basis to allow that pre-cognition might have a foundation sufficient to defy a fair-minded sceptic. ‘AHEAD OF TIME’ does not disappoint in this regard.

Detailed notes abound about and from the many people interviewed with stories about how they foresaw events before they happened. There is Paul Czarnecki the toddler who foretold his death within weeks and its circumstances and baffling his parents in the process. There is Air Marshal Sir Victor Goddard flying over a disused aerodrome and describing in writing to incredulous colleagues the as yet undesigned new layout and the colour of the uniforms worn by workers there. (See Breaking the Time Barrier published in Light the ‘Journal of the College of Psychic Studies’ in 1966). Here there is an unknown person describing in a well-attested way public disasters before they happened, and there is this or that famous person, incorrigible by temperament, with nothing to gain and much to lose by telling weird tales of what they had ‘seen’ in dreams, talking of their of pre-visions. Abraham Lincoln foresaw his funeral bier in circumstances akin to his assassination weeks before it happened, as was recorded so saying contemporaneously. The evidence is piled high; what also intrigues are the observations by Bardens, viz:

Precognition and telepathy seem often related. Thoughts of the past present and future are projected in some unknown way, both between humans and animals.

And quotes from the pages of this book:

Eileen Garrett in ‘Many Voices’ (Allen & Unwin 1969): ‘The perceptions that I receive are clear-cut and distinct, like the unrolling of a film or spool. This is what living can be likened to: a continual unwinding of the thread from the spool – a current of feeling moving in space in the continuity of progress and unity of action.’

Sheila Scott (well-known aviator): there is one thing about flying. It increases all your sensations and makes one tremendously alert. One is conscious of something mysterious in all that space – one doesn’t know what it is but it is real enough.

J. W. Dunne: Time must have a time in which to move, and that time must have yet another time in which to move – and so on….imagine your life to be like a knife. You are walking along the edge of a knife. One end is your birth, the other end is your death. You move along this knife, watching your step lest you fall off or slide along it too quickly. It is only when you reach the end, when you die, that you awaken to the fact that the knife itself is moving, upwards and onwards, sweeping every atom of human experience, emotion and substance with it. You will die but your consciousness goes on in this unsuspected tide, finding itself in a four-dimensional world…in Time 2 one will be able to go backwards and forwards along the dimension of time at will. …I strong suspect that as one passes from one stage to another one will come nearer to the truth of the thing – which I think will prove to be the Deity…I am convinced nothing is ever lost.

Two Confessions

I’m an ordinary bloke. So why do I think there might just be something in the ‘unseen world’ that might be ‘t/here’.

When I was five years old, I told my Nanny that we did not know how long my parents would keep us at home so we might as well make preparations to leave. It wasn’t just a stray remark. It was a profound belief that persisted up till my twenties. As a teenager my wealthy parents visited me at boarding school and, without any antecedent conversation about the subject, made me a director of their firm. They promised me the family Rolls Royce, the Hampstead house, the Mayfair-based business – all of it would come to me in time and, in any case, they were getting on in age so my place should be at home, rather than go and work for ‘outsiders’. It was a song sung through the decade I then worked for them. If I voiced any doubt, I was reassured. My mother had half the business and both parents were clear in their promises. Then my mother died and, and my father remarried. I asked my father what happened to all the promises, to be met with the retort “Circumstances have changed!”. My chances of training at the right time for an alternative career were all but blasted; my financial state was of penury. What had made me so sure that this would happen; the outcome of the situation defied all the logic?

My mother in her last days when she was 69 was admitted to hospital with a complaint that was not life-threatening. She took a serious turn for the worse. The doctors thought some foreign foodstuff or medicine had interfered with the medical treatment being given to my mother. They were so sure of this that they were carefully watching any food that was brought in by the family. My father was giving my mother homeopathic remedies that were harmless. It transpired that they were neither homeopathic nor harmless. Her ingestion of these foreign substances was not detected by the hospital authorities till too late. The prescription by the family doctor was later discovered amongst my father’s papers; he had misrepresented to the family’s GP the illness of my mother. My father doubled the dose that was given in the soup he brought my mother, who died. The following weekend my father was holidaying with the mistress he was to marry. The doctors wanted to perform a post mortem. My father went into a tailspin of desperate worry, telling the doctors this went against all his and his wife’s religious principles. It was the first I heard of this. The doctors decided not to go ahead with the post mortem; why so upset a distraught, bereaved and respectable man. So why is this tale told here…

A medium came to our opulent house. She said “Does the name ‘Rickmansworth’ mean anything to anyone present?” The previous day I had visited a friend who lived there, the first time in my life I had heard of the district. It is said that genuine mediums will give a name about a subject unrelated to the main matter about which they wish to talk and will only be known to one person present. Then the medium said: “This is a very odd thing but I am getting a message that there has been a murder in this family!”

I mentioned the latter, well-attested story recently to a friend who is a doctor and he said: “If the medium says this to a thousand families the odds are that she will be right on one occasion.” The doctor is a matter-of-fact person who does not give any credit to an unseen world. Is his answer likely to explain the medium’s words?

The scriptures speak of visions, the Tarsus experience of St Paul being an example. Most of us have heard that account. But who has heard of ‘Akako’, an ordinary grandmother, who recounts the tale of her personal vision in ‘Personal Credos’ on this website?

How many of us over many generations, have stories that do not percolate to a widespread audience? Is there anything in them?

The reader who has not experienced anything like the stories that appear above may not give them the time of day.

But what should I think about the unseen world…?

Humour

Some Meditation sects in the East kick-start sessions with a bout of belly-laughing to ginger participants into a happy mood and generally imbue their thinking with a sense of proportion. How these groups are able to belly-laugh on cue isn’t too clear; perhaps a Swami doubles as a stand-up comic turn or a Master of Ceremony calls out a number from a shared list of jokes consensually found hysterically funny? Meditators in the West tend not to overdose on slapstick and aim for calm equilibrium of mind; to make a comparison, joyous singing in Church by the ‘happy Clappies’ can be made to seem a bit ‘below the salt’. Meditation, like religion, is no laughing matter to some.

This author presumes that readers by now are rolling about in uncontrollable hysterics though on reflection it dawns on him that some may fail this test. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their arses and may their arms be too short to scratch them!

(Authors’ Note to himself: MUST CALM DOWN!) Reflection like humour gains from a detached perspective. If you laugh, it’s funny; if you don’t, it isn’t. If it’s funny and you don’t laugh, you may have an attitude problem or are too touchy over taboos. Is it bad taste to look out for humour even in, say, the annals of the Third Reich? ‘Seig Heil’ was a Nazi salutation. Seek humour and ye shall find it; if not… SEEK HEILP!

Was it a luger pistol that Goering had in mind in his bid for literary immortality: ‘When I hear talk of culture I reach for my gun!’? Once, a serious German (‘Vy zey say ve Germans no sense of humour HAF?’) wrote to Hitler for permission to christen his new-born daughter ‘Hitleria’. The name has charm as all will agree but the reaction of officialdom has a niche reserved in a yet-to-be constructed Pantheon of Nazi Humour: ‘Verboten! (It is Forbidden!) In Germany we encourage the martial values! You will name your daughter ‘Lugerella’.’

You might by now be amused enough to be in the right frame of mind for Reflection à les Anglais. If not, please try harder and carry on reading till you get it right…! Not too giggly, mind! Alternatively take a leaf out of the book of the Victorians who were wont to say ‘An Englishman takes his pleasures sadly!’ Let us quaff our fill of life's sad pleasures with a poem by Roy Fuller entitled

SURVIVOR

Every day I think about dying.

About disease, starvation, violence, terrorism, war.

The end of the world...

It helps keep my mind off things.

Plagiarised from a rare volume entitled: What Shakespeare and his wife did not say

The world of entertainment more than most spheres is designed to lift people out of humdrum lives and make them forget themselves; in consequence it is hardly best suited to the purpose of reflection!

That, at least is something to reflect on.

Roll up! Roll up…!

Below are nuggets - ‘gobbets’, if you prefer - never before seen on the world stage of the internet or recorded anywhere in biographies or anthologies of humour (NB save for the first and the last quotations):

From the office of Eric Glass Ltd, Literary and Theatrical Agency

Eric Glass’s prudish co-Director, Janet, was scandalized that the agency represented a lady billed as the ‘Sex Queen of London’, Fiona Richmond, even if it was just as an authoress. “I will carry on writing” she averred “…as long as I can take off my clothes!” Her autobiography flaunted her nude posterior on the book’s jacket and, seeing a copy on a desk, Janet, her nose wrinkled, turned it over so that the back cover presumably without a salacious picture was face-up. She was met by Mr Glass’s laconic question:

“Disappointed?”

Eric Glass was never to be forgotten by the waiter in front of whose goggling eyes at the end of a main course he brandished the sausage skin left on his plate. Mr Glass gave his order to the waiter:

“Please may I have a refill!”

His clients deserve to be recorded for reasons other than their acting credentials:

Oscar Homolka who played the Russian General in Funeral in Berlin had scruples about drinking tap water. On standing by a water reservoir his wife, Joan Tetzel, airily waved aside the muddy swirls by saying that the water was purified before it reached consumers - at the precise instant a gull flew by and deposited its ordure in front of their eyes, prompting Homolka to comment:

“Who wants to drink purified gull shit!”

Edward Woodward, famed as Callan, had a lapse of memory when holding forth in an oratorical flood. He stopped short with a glazed look in his eyes, then said:

“That’s the fastest anything ever went out of my mind! In between opening my mouth to speak, and starting to speak, I forgot what I wanted to say!”

Eric Glass’s uncle was Max Glass, author of Entente Cordiale which tells the story of the Fashoda Incident in 1898 when Britain and Egypt were at daggers’ drawn. Queen Victoria asks her Prime Minister, Lord Salisbury:

“Is the news from Egypt good, my Lord?”

“The news from Egypt is not good, Ma-am…!”, replies Salisbury, “And it has not been good for …..five thousand years!”

IF THE READER DOES NOT YET FEEL EQUIPPED FOR MEDITATION A LES ANGLAIS IT IS TIME FOR STERNER STUFF:

QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL STAFF APPRAISALS

If two people are talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

His men would follow him anywhere but only out of curiosity.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

This officer can be likened to a small puppy… he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

When she opens her mouth it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

Couldn't organise 50% leave in a two-man submarine.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

When he joined my ship this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

This officer should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

I would not breed from this officer.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

He couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat the millions of other sperm.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus,143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

He has been working with glue too long.

When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell

This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.

Donated his body to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

He's so dense light bends around him.

If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 1½ hours to watch 60 minutes.

Wheel is turning but the hamster is long dead.

Alerts to threats in Europe 2011: by John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert,

The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the middle east ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help".

Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon completed years of service), that he would receive in addition to his monthly pension.

The letter read,

"Dear Lt. Colonel Maclaren,

We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lt Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366 (This was an innocent typographical mistake). Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as £68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.

Yours sincerely
Army Paymaster”

Colonel Maclaren replied;

“Dear Paymaster,

Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month.
I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be £68, 500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III.
By my calculation, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.

Yours sincerely,
Robert Maclaren (Lt Col Retd)”

A month passed by and then in early April, a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence in Edinburgh dropped through Col. Maclaren’s letter box, it read:

“Dear Lt Colonel Maclaren,

We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March inst. We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month.

We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed £6,427, 586, 619. 47p.

However, we also note that according to our records you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles;
The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485 (Including the battles of Bosworth Field, Barnet and Towton) The Civil War 1642 -1651 (Including the battles Edge Hill, Naseby and the conquest of Ireland) The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815 (including the battle of Waterloo and the Peninsular War) The Crimean War (1853 – 1856) (including the battle of Sevastopol and the Charge of the Light Brigade) The Boer War (1899 -1902) World War One (1914-1918).

We would therefore wish to know what happened to the following, which do not appear to have been returned to Stores by you on completion of operations:

9,765 Cannons
26,785 Swords
12,889 Pikes
127,345 Rifles (with bayonets)
28,987 horses (fully kitted)
Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.

We have calculated the total cost of these items and they amount to £6,427,518.119.47p. We have therefore subtracted this sum from your lump sum, leaving a residual amount of £68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course.

Yours sincerely . . . .”

***

IF THE MILITARY OUTLOOK DOES NOT FURNISH SUFFICENT MATERIAL TO LIGHTEN A MOOD THERE ARE SUBJECTS CLOSER TO HOME:

--------------------------------

BEFORE MARRIAGE....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....

Simply read from bottom line to the top line.

IF THE SACRED BONDS OF MARRIAGE ARE NOT SEEN AS A FIT SUBJECT ABOUT WHICH TO GIGGLE, WHAT DO THE GROVES OF ACADEME HOLD FOR A WOULD-BE LAUGH-ER WHO IS SHORT ON A SENSE OF HUMOUR:

----------------------------------------------------------

A question in a chemistry exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

Epitaph on the tomb of William Harting, died 1842

REMEMBER ME

Remember me as you pass by

As you are now so once was I

As I am now

You will be

So be prepared to follow me

On which a wag wrote:

Sir, to follow thee is my intent

But you left no word which way you went.

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate & an older aboriginal man. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word & come with a poem that contained the word: TIMBUKTU.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said"

Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination...Timbuktu.

The Aboriginal gent slowly he made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me & Tim a hunting we went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three & we was two,
So I bucked one & Timbuktu.

The Aboriginal man won.

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner.

The final question was: ‘How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.’

Here is his answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

***

***

IS THE GRANNY STATE FAIR GAME FOR HUMOUR?

Not all developments in language are progress. A car past its sell-by date would be written off as ‘A clapped-out banger!’ rather than ‘A heap of second hand and antiquated ironmongery that is incapable of self-propulsion!’. In France, it is illegal to call a cleaner by that name. What is gained in humanity may be lost by having to walk on eggshells all the time even if it is no doubt commendable to re-designate a ‘cleaner’ as a ‘Surface Technician’.

How would Admiral Lord Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations?

"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is
this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer
now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it
be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to
steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's
policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then. Full
speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of
water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy constructing a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew
up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to
stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spaniards?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary charge."
"But you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy And the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
"In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."

***

To: Rt Hon David Milliband MP Secretary of State, DEFRA

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I now want to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agriculture Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. Then I can afford to buy an airplane.

Another point is that these pigs I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I didn't rear? I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the Government information on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will qualify for unemployment benefits.

Also as I entered the UK illegally a few years ago, but know how generous the government is in liberally paying benefits to all immigrants (whether legal or not), so I'm sure you can also include housing benefit and exemption from council tax.

I shall of course vote for you at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Nelson M'bote (Farmer)

***

Paraprosdokians

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my List.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in Public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge, is knowing a Tomato is a Fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a Fruit Salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is Plagiarism. To steal from many is Research.

9. I didn't say it was your Fault, I said I was blaming You.

10. In filling out an Application, where it says, "In case of an Emergency, notify" .
I answered " A Doctor"

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a Bald Head and a Beer Gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a Parachute to Skydive. You only need a Parachute to Skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the Target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the Target.

15. Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a Garage makes you a Car.

16. You're never too old to learn something Stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my Elders, but it's getting harder and harder for Me to find someone older than Me.

18. Better to remain silent and appear a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.

Words that can mean something different from how they sound - a new branch of humour?

Abacus - Swedish swear word

Alaska - Consult my girlfriend

Awestruck - Where a cockney puts his ponies

Barbecue - A long line of dolls

Buoyant - An ant which isn't a girl

Chairs - Toast by the Queen

Chuckling - A very short throw

Colonnade - A fizzy enema

Delight - Make things go darker

Equip - Online joke

Extractor Fan - Person who used to like farm machinery

Gelatine - Device for beheading jelly babies

Godspeed - It's raining

Granary - Old folks' home

Hiding - A bell you can't reach

Impeccable - Bird proof

Intelligent - A man on TV

Intense - Camping

Khaki - Device for starting car

Knowing - Unable to fly

Laminated - Pregnant sheep

Lassé fair - A sheepdog festival

Maisonette - Tiny freemason

Megahertz - Extremely painful

Metabolics - Unimpressed with metaphysics

Microbe - Tiny dressing gown

Minimal - Small shopping centre

Mirth - A French moth

Motorway - Britain's leading mote removal company

Negligent - Male lingerie

Nicotine - To arrest a youth

Octagon - A dead octopus

Paintings - Jamaican paracetamol

Parasites - View from the Eiffel Tower

Physiology - The study of effervescence

Plaintiff - Argument with flight attendant

Primark - The first coat of paint applied by Noah

Property - Decent cuppa

Scandal - Footwear to be ashamed of

Snuff Box - Coffin

Stopcock - Chastity belt

Trumped - Talked down to by a xenophobic, mentally challenged, sexist bigot

Tumbling - jewellery for your belly button

Ukraine - Machine for lifting female sheep

At last, an alternative dictionary. Umlaut - Hesitant thug

Warehouse - To forget your address

Xerox - French archaeology

***

***

Celebrated Epigrams

Told by an emissary of Darius the Great, King of Kings, that the Spartan army arrayed against his invading Persians would face so many arrows that “They will blot out the sun!” the response was “All the better! We shall fight in the shade!”

According to Socrates (an unverified attribution) ‘By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher!’

The agitator John Wilkes when apostrophized: “Sir, you will die of a pox (venereal disease) or on the gallows!” responded: “Sir! that depends on whether I embrace your mistress or your principles!”

“Mr Churchill! You are drunk!” “Yes…” replied the great man “And you are ugly. And tomorrow I will be sober!”

There are of course no end of examples in anthologies and elsewhere:

----

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
.......Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
.......Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
.......George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
.......G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
......James Bovard

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
...Douglas Casey

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
.......P.J O'Rourke

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
.......Frederic Bastiat (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
......Ronald Reagan

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
......Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
......P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
......Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
......Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
......Mark Twain

Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it.
......Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
......Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
......Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
.....Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of
folly is to fill the world with fools.
.....Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
.....Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
.....Edward Langley

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
.....Thomas Jefferson

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself: "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
….Lillian Carter (mother of {President Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." ….Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
…..Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
…..George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
…..Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
…..Mark Twain

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
…..Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe.
…..Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
…..Zsa Zsa Gabor

I’m a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced, I kept the houses.
…..Zsa Zsa Gabor

He is so unlucky he got run over by an ambulance
…..St John Irvine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
…..Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
…..Spike Milligan

I can’t hear too much Wagner! Every time I hear Wagner I want to go out and conquer Poland !
…..Woody Allen

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
…..Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
…..Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
……Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
…..Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
…..Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
…..Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
…..Billy Crystal

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
….Ambrose Bierce

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
….. Emo Philips

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
…. Al McGuire

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
….Einstein

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home
and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”
….Ann Landers

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control and abortion
are already born?”
….Benny Hill

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has
never tried to contact us.”
…. Bill Watterson

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”
….Caroline Rhea

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
….George Burns

***

And finally, a humourist from the East:

“Too many birthdays is a major cause of death”
….Yogi Berra

NB The sage Sadguru can be very amusing.

***

Amusing one-liners anonymously left at different venues

Many bon mots reach public attention if coined by someone famous but why should it matter from the standpoint of inherent humour who thought them up?

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.

Friends don't let friends take home ugly women
Men's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Georgetown University, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war.. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

Sign in a French Cinema:
Please remember to switch your mobiles on when leaving the cinema

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man!

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar!

Doctor's office, Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases!

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
Drop your trousers here for the best results!

In a Nairobi restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager!

On an Athi River highway:
This is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi. Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable!

On a poster at Kencom:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help!

In a City restaurant:
Open seven days a week and weekends!

A sign seen on an automatic rest room hand dryer:
Do not activate with wet hands!

In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves!

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed!

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for!

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts!

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the Chambermaid!

Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid!

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel overlooking a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday!

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose!

Hotel, Zurich:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose!

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass!?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life!

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice-cream!

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions!